Do not feel bad about capturing leprechauns and using them for your favorite St. Paddy’s Day meal

Joey Abate ‘23, Photo Editor 

It is tradition to capture leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day and make a holiday classic slow-roasted leprechaun. However, we all hate the moral guilt we experience while doing so. Thankfully, recent scientific discoveries have surfaced and proven why we have nothing to worry about.

Part of the hunt for leprechauns is trying to locate your target. Leprechauns are sly creatures who blend into their environment. The common key giveaways of leprechauns are  their ginger hair, abundance of green clothing, resemblance to the Vernors man, repeatedly being asked if they are “withholding pots of gold”–typically found at the end of a rainbow, and are rather short men (about five foot ten).

No nervous system

Leprechauns are the closest genetic cousin to sea sponges, meaning they do not have nervous systems or feel pain like humans do. Both physically and emotionally, leprechauns do not experience anything but numbness, so if your little critter is misbehaving, feel free to scold that greedy, green lunatic. This is what we in the Leprechaun Hunting Business like to refer to as a “double-whammy”. Due to their inability to feel pain, you can ignore their screams as you set your crockpot to high for about four hours to achieve that perfect slow roast. 

Invasive species

Any expert will tell you that March is business time for leprechauns. Many of them are trading their gold and stocks faster than usual, resulting in an overpopulation of leprechauns. This causes many small birds and rabbits to get sick from ingesting gold coins. These tricksters run rampant and need to be controlled. The United States mandates March as a leprechaun hunting season.

Leprechauns contribute to global warming

Recent studies have all pointed to leprechauns as contributors of hefty carbon emissions. This is due to their copious use of coal and nonrenewable energy at the rainbow factory. When you capture a leprechaun, you are single handedly saving the environment. A single Leprechaun emits more carbon into the atmosphere than your favorite mainstream celebrity by over ten times.

They are mean

Regardless of their cheerful demeanor and chipper attitudes, leprechauns are the biggest bullies out there. One leprechaun was mean to me in elementary school and never apologized, despite the twelve twitter notifications. I am still upset over this matter. 

In closing remarks, science has shown us that capturing and cooking leprechauns for St. Patrick’s Day is not only morally guilt-free but also environmentally friendly. Next time you see a ginger-haired, green-clad, vernors-man-dressed, short creature reflecting on a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, do not hesitate to capture that sucker and save some small birds and rabbits from getting sick. And who knows, maybe you will finally get that apology from that mean leprechaun who bullied you in elementary school.

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